springing to life

spring silently creeps towards us, 

catching us unaware with the sudden blossom of a flower,

the days grow longer, 

the sun burns brighter,

the sky turns pale blue,

untouched by a single cloud,

the air grows thicker,

like a blanket over the earth,

smiles come out of hiding,

laughter echoes in warm breeze,

love fills our hearts and clears our eyes,

we realize all over again the beauty of life.

what happened to the girls?

I'm just a little confused about everything at the moment. and as a friend of mine said, yes these blogs a more of a diary then anything. so i guess this will be my public diary. kinda ruins the point right?

dear diary, no im kidding.

um, well like i said, im completely lost. i dont know if this is something everyone goes through at my age, but i feel like im the only one in the world ever to experience it. 

its just that all of my friends, aside from chanda, whom if she ever does this to me, i will shoot myself, well all of my "friends" have moved on. even though we all swore we would be friends forever. now some i understand, we just weren't a great fit. but then other, it just hurts. i have no idea why they suddenly ignore me, and dont make an effort to be there for me, but they do. n i could just be making a big deal out of nothing, but it does not feel like nothing. it feel like my whole world is crashing down.

 and im angry. im so angry. i just want to scream and then cry. fall down and cry. but the hard thing is is that, its all on the inside, i torment mself with these wretched thoughts, but no one bothers to help because i seem fine on the outside. i never scream, or cry (at least not in public) i just show people that im happy.

 i know this is in no order because my ranting shoots every direction but i'll try to help you keep up. 

 moving back to the friend stuff-

i miss them. they were the ones, who i didnt care how i looked around them, i didnt care what i said or did, because i knew that they loved me for me, not for what  pretend to be.  and losing that is the hardest thing. i miss when they would call every day wanting to hang out, when i had to tell all the other kids that i couldnt hang out because i had plans with the girls. 

 now to me talking about being lonely-

i am.....so alone. no one is ever home. i dont leave. and no one gets me and im going to stop typing because im crying.

i'll get back to this...

a confused mind

i freeze out here in the summer breeze,

 i ache for warmth to touch my heart,

 im lost while following a map,

 im alone in a crowd of people,

im scared of death,

yet i hate to live. 

 

im so confused with out you,

yet so angry with you,

i need you in my life,

yet i want you out of it,

i want you to come home,

yet i want you gone forever.

i shatter slowly in the wind,

i mend quickly with a hammer,

i fear the road ahead,

i regret the road behind,

i loath to this so soon,

i yearn to get out fast

removed.

When you grow up with a group of people, you become attached. you grow close with them all, though you may not realize it until its much to late. and so when you are suddenly gone from that group, whether you left, or were kicked out, chased out, however. but when your suddenly removed, your world suddenly falls to pieces. 

 

 So you see, well read, i had been attending this school. for about 5 years i walked through the halls with the same kids every single week day. but by the time we all grew older, things changed. along with our teachers. and in walks a man. my life at the school was perfect. i had a set friends whom i loved very very much, i got good grades, and i actually enjoyed the classes. but then HE shows up and my life is turned to rubble. 

 im not going to blog about what happened to remove me from the school, but after a year and a half of me enduring his classes, i left. and lost everything. My friends at the top of the list, then my education. and everything else slowly follows behind. 

 

Now as i try to sew up everything that slashed open, i feel like im outside a window looking in. Thy are all happier with out me. the drama is still just as much, but they enjoy it more. they all get along, they all act like each other. i now realize that im not a part of the class anymore. the worst part is, that i wish i had never left, and if i go back now, they wont accept me anymore. 

well this all awful writing and probably makes no sense, but i had to finally tell someone about it. even if that someone is a blogger site.