what happened to the girls?

I'm just a little confused about everything at the moment. and as a friend of mine said, yes these blogs a more of a diary then anything. so i guess this will be my public diary. kinda ruins the point right?

dear diary, no im kidding.

um, well like i said, im completely lost. i dont know if this is something everyone goes through at my age, but i feel like im the only one in the world ever to experience it. 

its just that all of my friends, aside from chanda, whom if she ever does this to me, i will shoot myself, well all of my "friends" have moved on. even though we all swore we would be friends forever. now some i understand, we just weren't a great fit. but then other, it just hurts. i have no idea why they suddenly ignore me, and dont make an effort to be there for me, but they do. n i could just be making a big deal out of nothing, but it does not feel like nothing. it feel like my whole world is crashing down.

 and im angry. im so angry. i just want to scream and then cry. fall down and cry. but the hard thing is is that, its all on the inside, i torment mself with these wretched thoughts, but no one bothers to help because i seem fine on the outside. i never scream, or cry (at least not in public) i just show people that im happy.

 i know this is in no order because my ranting shoots every direction but i'll try to help you keep up. 

 moving back to the friend stuff-

i miss them. they were the ones, who i didnt care how i looked around them, i didnt care what i said or did, because i knew that they loved me for me, not for what  pretend to be.  and losing that is the hardest thing. i miss when they would call every day wanting to hang out, when i had to tell all the other kids that i couldnt hang out because i had plans with the girls. 

 now to me talking about being lonely-

i am.....so alone. no one is ever home. i dont leave. and no one gets me and im going to stop typing because im crying.

i'll get back to this...